Who among us has not been forced to smile through that despair and dance - on Zoom, no less - through our pain? This perversely ironic stuffed and prickly chanteuse sings for all of us. I ask you: Who among us has not felt this intense despair? “The only thing in my head/Is five grams of cocaine/Fly away alone/To the edge of oblivion/I have thoughts in my head/When will all this end/Whenever I'm not alone/Because a white eel will fly in,” Cypis croons in the song. These uptight squares are clearly missing the point of the cactus song’s extremely relatable lyrics. “Who the hell advertises as a toy for children that plays songs about cocaine?!?!?” asked another Amazon user. And the other is a Polish song about cocaine,” wrote an irate Amazon reviewer who said they were sending the toy back. “It should be stated CLEARLY in the description that there are three songs. There was a little bit of internet scandal about this sassy Saguaro over the summer after the toy was sold as a children’s toy in markets across Taiwan and was released on Amazon. The title translates to, “Where is the white eel?” in English, which is appropriate for children in exactly zero ways. None of the marketing mentioned that one of the songs the cactus sings is, “Gdzie jest biały węgorz?” a rap by Polish artist Cypis. When it was released this summer by a Chinese manufacturer called Emoin, it was marketed as such. The problem with this singing coke cactus is that it’s supposed to be an educational toy because it sings to children in multiple languages. Yes, at this point in the pandemipocalypse, even our toys are sad and craving a little drug-induced euphoria. At the press of a button, it does a succulent little sway and sings in Polish about how it’s depressed and wants blow. What can possibly convey convivial holiday cheer while still acknowledging the major depressive episode we are collectively surviving? Well, this dancing cactus doll is certainly trying. There is an art to finding the right gift for someone you care about, especially in these trying times.
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